05-08-2013, 12:08 PM
Okay...so i'm don't really know much about the technical aspects of poetry and stuff. But your second line has a big grammar problem.
"The thing that hurts most is this girl is the one who I want to buy a ring." should be 'is the one whom i want to buy a ring for.' or 'is the one for whom i want to buy a ring.' of course, I'm not really an english major...so i'm just saying that that line sounds a bit weird.
Other than that, it sounds like vocal poetry. I can imagine someone reading this out, but written down, this just doesn't work for me, with the rhyming happening all over the place. I'm more into poetry with structure and fixed rhyme schemes, but it sounds pretty good if I read it out. This is all JMHO, so...yep.
Keep Writing
"The thing that hurts most is this girl is the one who I want to buy a ring." should be 'is the one whom i want to buy a ring for.' or 'is the one for whom i want to buy a ring.' of course, I'm not really an english major...so i'm just saying that that line sounds a bit weird.
Other than that, it sounds like vocal poetry. I can imagine someone reading this out, but written down, this just doesn't work for me, with the rhyming happening all over the place. I'm more into poetry with structure and fixed rhyme schemes, but it sounds pretty good if I read it out. This is all JMHO, so...yep.
Keep Writing