05-08-2013, 01:28 AM
Hey Cody,
This is some pretty impacting spoken word man. I really am honored to read it! But I am assuming you still want critique so I have a few minor things. I agree with Billy, line 4 can use some clarity. Line 14, this is a minor grammatical thing, but I think the way you have it worded it would have to be "coldest of essences" since it's the superlative of a group. So maybe you could alter it somehow (i.e. "coldness of essence," "coldest essence," etc.). In the next line, line 15, I heard in my head "you only live once, so why are you killing yourself," just thought I would share that since you mention limiting oneself twice. Last, line 20 tripped me up a little "habit took over my mind and overthrown." I wasn't sure what overthrown was referring to, "Mom" or "my mind." It may sound different when spoken but maybe "habit took over mind" isn't really necessary either. Overall, you had some really awesome imagery and soul-jerking wordplay!
This is some pretty impacting spoken word man. I really am honored to read it! But I am assuming you still want critique so I have a few minor things. I agree with Billy, line 4 can use some clarity. Line 14, this is a minor grammatical thing, but I think the way you have it worded it would have to be "coldest of essences" since it's the superlative of a group. So maybe you could alter it somehow (i.e. "coldness of essence," "coldest essence," etc.). In the next line, line 15, I heard in my head "you only live once, so why are you killing yourself," just thought I would share that since you mention limiting oneself twice. Last, line 20 tripped me up a little "habit took over my mind and overthrown." I wasn't sure what overthrown was referring to, "Mom" or "my mind." It may sound different when spoken but maybe "habit took over mind" isn't really necessary either. Overall, you had some really awesome imagery and soul-jerking wordplay!