05-07-2013, 09:53 AM
I was going to write a detailed 'map for improvement' due to this being in 'serious' and all but to be honest, I couldn't make it through the whole thing. The logic train, the grammar, the punctuation, the phrasing, none of it seemed to work for me. For a while I was really into surreal poetry, which suffers from many of these same traits but I loved it. I think the difference is the surrealists seem to capture imagery with a visceral detail while you seem to be alienating the reader from the images with a deliberate application of abstraction. For example "one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance" gives me nothing at all to sink my teeth into. Someone (a nameless 'nemesis' of some sort or another) is swinging a scythe that is making blistering noises that are also vexed noises? And how are these noises vexed? With vengeance, it seems. I cannot imagine I have any clue what a vengeance-vexed blistering-bellowed sigh sounds like. Is htis a good sound? Does it sound like the moans of a cow that is being eaten alive by a werewof? That, I think I could imagine! Anyway, take it as you will, just trying to help, though, to be fair to the other posters, this should probably be in the mild forum.