The Moon

[NakedBear]

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

Greetings,

I don't know anything about the narrator, nor about his visitor. Maybe share one of her stories, and tell us how it is the narrator knows her.

Things like "darkness illuminated" don't provide enough for me to know what is meant. What darkness? what was doing the illuminating? What was seen when darkness was dispelled?

How is it that she shines?

And so on. You have used twelve short lines on a theme which could use thirty, fifty, a hundred (as long as they're interesting lines - don't write long for its own sake).

Rhyme, alliteration, assonance, meter. These are the most basic qualities of poetic sound, and you'd do well to employ them more.

I do not want to discourage you from writing, at all. I encourage you
to continue, but also to read a lot more and to make intentional practice of rhyme, rhythm, assonance, consonance, and alliteration.

Maybe stop in on the Poetry Practice forum and try some of the exercises on offer there.

Take care.