05-02-2013, 06:30 AM
I think that the sparse punctuation made it harder to read. A few more commas and periods in the right places, I think would help a lot. I think there were some missing ends, that made me unsure of what you meant. ie Who is this daughter, and what's her importance? 'And the chipping paint sprinkles/the floor like his hair' - Why hair? It could very well just be me that's slow, but I didn't understand some parts of your poem. As one of your first poems though, I think it's a good effort, and you have some good ideas 