05-01-2013, 02:55 PM
Hi Jack,
Welcome to the site.
For this being the first poem that you have ever written, it's a very commendable effort. The opening is good and describes the scene well, thus setting the tone for the rest of the poem.
There are a few issues with rhyme and metre, but considering that this is your first poem I wouldn't be overly worried about it at the moment, and your in the right place here where people will point out to you where you have gone wrong. I don't know if you did this, but I would suggest reading the poem out loud and then you can getting a better idea of where rhyme and rhythm need fixing, because when you say it in your head it is never quite the same as when spoken out loud.
One more thing and that is choose your words carefully and make sure that it makes sense, sometimes the temptation with rhyme can be to force the rhyme at the cost of the poem, like in the second stanza the lines "Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns,
And pounds upon the lucid frown, " don't really make sense.
But as I said before, for a first poem it is good.
Hope this is of some help, and I look forward to reading more.
Cheers.
Welcome to the site.
For this being the first poem that you have ever written, it's a very commendable effort. The opening is good and describes the scene well, thus setting the tone for the rest of the poem.
There are a few issues with rhyme and metre, but considering that this is your first poem I wouldn't be overly worried about it at the moment, and your in the right place here where people will point out to you where you have gone wrong. I don't know if you did this, but I would suggest reading the poem out loud and then you can getting a better idea of where rhyme and rhythm need fixing, because when you say it in your head it is never quite the same as when spoken out loud.
One more thing and that is choose your words carefully and make sure that it makes sense, sometimes the temptation with rhyme can be to force the rhyme at the cost of the poem, like in the second stanza the lines "Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns,
And pounds upon the lucid frown, " don't really make sense.
But as I said before, for a first poem it is good.
Hope this is of some help, and I look forward to reading more.
Cheers.
wae aye man ye radgie