05-01-2013, 02:35 PM
Hi Pilgrim,
Another good poem that you've produced here, I can see that you have been true to your word when you said you would be concentrating more on metre and rhyme.
I like the opening line, and I see your extended vocabulary coming into use again. The first being the word "rent" by which I presume you meant in the sense of ripped. It forced for the sake of the rhyme, and also it's not a word used very often, unless it's a colloquial thing.
In the second stanza the rhymes don't work for me although I may be wrong about "edge and privilege" but I can't seem to say without my accent which is fairly strong.
I am not the best person to be commenting on rhythm and metre because I don't really write that way. But having said that, after reading this poem a couple of times the rhythm entered my head and stayed with me then for some reason the Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a cloud" popped into my head and into this rhythm, the rhyme is different though, so I'm not sure of the terminology of such rhythm but yours appears to stick to it all the way through.
It doesn't feel as free flowing as your last two poems, but I know that your intention was to work on rhythm and rhyme more so it is to be expected that a couple of the lines seem a bit forced. But all in all a good read.
And I look forward to number 4.
Cheers
Another good poem that you've produced here, I can see that you have been true to your word when you said you would be concentrating more on metre and rhyme.
I like the opening line, and I see your extended vocabulary coming into use again. The first being the word "rent" by which I presume you meant in the sense of ripped. It forced for the sake of the rhyme, and also it's not a word used very often, unless it's a colloquial thing.
In the second stanza the rhymes don't work for me although I may be wrong about "edge and privilege" but I can't seem to say without my accent which is fairly strong.
I am not the best person to be commenting on rhythm and metre because I don't really write that way. But having said that, after reading this poem a couple of times the rhythm entered my head and stayed with me then for some reason the Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a cloud" popped into my head and into this rhythm, the rhyme is different though, so I'm not sure of the terminology of such rhythm but yours appears to stick to it all the way through.
It doesn't feel as free flowing as your last two poems, but I know that your intention was to work on rhythm and rhyme more so it is to be expected that a couple of the lines seem a bit forced. But all in all a good read.
And I look forward to number 4.
Cheers
wae aye man ye radgie