CityFolk

[Pilgrim]

Something I whipped up quick to get a feel for the critique process of the forum. Let me know what you think, thanks.

CityFolk

An empty inertia,
Signals buzz like winged snakes,
Haste conquers all,
a system of chaotic perfection.

Roars in the distance,
Bellow from great machines,
Below from steel stalagmites,
Observe as a fox.

The threat of lethargy,
The elimination of contingencies,
Masked and deceitful,
Spin the wheels of metropolis.

The contemporary struggle,
A fragile ladder dissolving from the bottom,
Closed eyes are never closed,
A shaken hand hides the other.

Hello, AlexSharp.

May I suggest that perhaps you ‘whipped up’ your poem a little too quickly?

I can hazard a guess as to your intention, but I think that your handling of the various elements you have included has not served you well.

What I see, as you have presented them, is a series of statements which, while complete individually, do not provide continuity for the whole.

Closer attention to punctuation would also have served you better.

Some of your terminology worried me. ‘An empty inertia’ is tautological – since inertia is devoid or empty of energy or movement. And try as I might, I cannot imagine ‘winged snakes’ – which sounds like a contradiction in terms.

However, despite all this nitpicking, I think you may well have a great idea for a poem. I am not being facetious when I suggest that you might listen to Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue before attempting a revision of your poem – it’s a cityscape par excellence, and may well establish a mood in which to work.

With best wishes for your future poetic endeavours.

Regards,

Pilgrim.