05-01-2013, 10:28 AM
The poem seems a little overt and didactic.
The last word 'tear' is really weak. Perhaps finish the poem with something else? That's not much help, haha.
I know the sentiment you're working for. I recommend reading the first chapters of HDT's Walden. Try these on for size, and see if they don't do what you're trying to do a little more effectively. Maybe HDT can be your mentor:
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”
"Men come tamely home at night only from the next field or street, where their household echoes haunt, and their life pines because it breathes its own breath over again; their shadows, morning and evening, reach farther than their daily steps. We should come home from far, from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day, with new experience and character."
The last word 'tear' is really weak. Perhaps finish the poem with something else? That's not much help, haha.
I know the sentiment you're working for. I recommend reading the first chapters of HDT's Walden. Try these on for size, and see if they don't do what you're trying to do a little more effectively. Maybe HDT can be your mentor:
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”
"Men come tamely home at night only from the next field or street, where their household echoes haunt, and their life pines because it breathes its own breath over again; their shadows, morning and evening, reach farther than their daily steps. We should come home from far, from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day, with new experience and character."