Rebekka

[milo]

e='milo' pid='124664' dateline='1367270823']
You can replace my coffee cup;
the chinked and scarred
and weather-stained
remnant of our breakfast table;
the last of solitude. Good opening stanza with the imagery, but lacking a bit in lyrics/narrative L1 is excellent, you have narrative and imagery combined. L1-3 good imagery, but we're over punctuating and over modifying, in list form, to achieve our density, this seems familiar somehow. L4 back to lyrical narrative, rescuing the stanza.

You can have Matthias kiss
my savior's blackened lips; Great two lines
the sweet black of Christ's back to listing, is this redundant explanation/ image needed? I think you should choose one or the other, I know you want to say .."kiss my savior."., and you also want the dead Christ image in there, but I would trim the second line, and move the third up, or find a way to consolidate so you can keep your lyric.
dead lips or have him take feels like there should be a comma after lips.
my heavy seat; the collaborator. Interesting, the plot thickens, I like the collaborator lyric throughout, in has a Great Narrator feel to it. I can't remember the guys name but there is a narrator who does movies and commercials with that deep voice, I keep hearing him say "the collaborator in a suspenseful tone. Makes me wanna write some more...anyway, back to the task at hand..

And I will not betray you; Another great refrain, but the pattern continues :
-and the unsaid accusation
echoes back at me-
though you would throw
our doors open, welcome soldiers good narrative
in to boot-scar stairs and pull
the walnut bureau drawers;
rummage through our things
-upturn the nothingness
of photographs and
letters, underwear; cascade
our unlived lives onto the floor- list
though you would rend your shirt good narrative
at the breast, offer up your secrets
at the breast; the collaborator. good refrain(s)

And I will not betray you; good refrain
though you whisper a tormented
past across my unworn threshold, nice lyric
though you carry plastic shopping
bags that tear with the weight
of abandoned clothing from
the quiet huddle of families hidden
in the root cellars or abandoned churches; decent narrative, good Imagery
temples, though you double up one time too many, now its a list of things "you though do". Good imagery, narrative could be reworked though.
with train-worn luggage; baggage,
and someone else's baby's shoes.

And I will not tuck my hands
under your shirt and grope
about your breasts to find
a sack of silver or palm
about your pockets when
you find my lips in front of strangers.

I am ambivalent about the (lack of) punctuation in the ending along with all the "abouts, ands , and ors" because I like the rhythm, however, if you were wondering if it would be noticeable, it is. You may want to consider a small edit here, It wouldn't take much.
milo

I'm just over-ly going into great detail; regarding minor things mostly. Overall I really like the poem. It is;--strong, detailed; direct, precise, and clear.

Thanks for the read. Really, all jokes and critique aside, very nice poem.
[/quote]

Thank you for this excellent crit, it is good to see so much work going into it.

I think you make an excellent point about the abundance/abuse of prepositions, lord knows I need a 'prep' cop.

As for the conjunctions, of course solid advice and advice I have given myself, I kind of abandoned it here and thought I could put it to good effect, similar I suppose with the repetition, but you know, I love repetition anyway so I am always experimenting with it.

Once again, thank you for the time you put into it, it was excellent crit.

milo