Resurrection (second edit)

[Keith]

Please bear with me. I'll be the first to admit that this poem, well.. it has a lot of problems. (I knew next to nothing about poetry when I wrote it, still I'm almost embarrassed.) But the poem means a lot to me, so I really wanted to save and rewrite it. It is doable and it's moving along, but it's far from done. I was hoping you could perhaps help me with some constructive criticism, to help me along. It will be very much appreciated!


Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin.

In caskets wide,
The glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright?

Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies,
And leaves nothing to utter suggest.

Flesh is your temple,
Take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent.

Because this poem is very personal to you as a reader I can't get the bits your not telling me or showing me you have some great turn of phrase in here that make me want to read but I don't understand lots of it. This could just be me being thick S1 having sex and a take away? S2 has someone passed away? S3&4 sorry I don't understand, I think you have some great stuff to work with and I will try and point out some bits that don't work quite as well when I read it. Obviously this is only my opinion.

Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin. Sin and Tremor don't rhyme

In caskets wide,the glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright? if your using rhyme you should try and keep some tempo fright doesn't rhyme with attention.
Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies, why plural? shadow
And leaves nothing to utter suggest. the rhyme works but utter knocks out the tempo/meter

Flesh is your temple,take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent. Scent and Forget don't rhyme

I hope this helps in some way. TOMH
PS Mods and Volaticus sorry if I over did it in Mild