04-24-2013, 07:43 PM
Hi Eli,
In writing about nature, you've got some pretty stiff competition. Marvell, Wordsworth and Goethe (sometimes) to name a few. Of course, this isn't to say that you shouldn't bother with it, it just means writing of a flower/garden requires a lot of effort and depth if it's to pack a punch, so to speak (for a truly packed punch, I suggest reading Marvell's 'The Garden' or Wordsworth's 'Daffodils'). As trueenigma said at the end of the first stanza, you need to be more descriptive. Having said that, amateur poems like these can come off tacky and yours doesn't. When it does pull through, it pulls through well.
As for structure, I wouldn't worry yourself with rhyme quite so much. Rhyme, for me anyway, works when it is consistent, and more importantly when the meter is consistent. Your rhythm isn't bad but the on-and-off rhyming makes it all a little confusing.
A nice poem all in all, I quite enjoyed reading it despite all I've said.
Cheers.
In writing about nature, you've got some pretty stiff competition. Marvell, Wordsworth and Goethe (sometimes) to name a few. Of course, this isn't to say that you shouldn't bother with it, it just means writing of a flower/garden requires a lot of effort and depth if it's to pack a punch, so to speak (for a truly packed punch, I suggest reading Marvell's 'The Garden' or Wordsworth's 'Daffodils'). As trueenigma said at the end of the first stanza, you need to be more descriptive. Having said that, amateur poems like these can come off tacky and yours doesn't. When it does pull through, it pulls through well.
As for structure, I wouldn't worry yourself with rhyme quite so much. Rhyme, for me anyway, works when it is consistent, and more importantly when the meter is consistent. Your rhythm isn't bad but the on-and-off rhyming makes it all a little confusing.
A nice poem all in all, I quite enjoyed reading it despite all I've said.
Cheers.