04-24-2013, 04:39 PM
Hello eli. Some comments.
Not great as it stands, in need of editing (half, at least, should go). It feels like the initial impulse for the poem gave way around S2, which reads as prose to me. But… I do like your writing. You don’t use that much trite phrasing, to my ear. So yeah, keep at it (I recon you don’t need me telling you that
). Example of things I like: roosters slaying the morning away, “Wind arcs the sky and shatters death” (sounds better that way).
I’d nix the gerunds as your second grouping of rhymes in S1, they can sound annoying in excess (also, not too long ago someone gave me the same advice, so, passing it along).
Some image notes. Words like “city” do a lot of work on their own without the writer providing input: I instantly picture Midtown Manhattan skyscrapers on a summer day. You need to make this particular incarnation of “city” unique to me by adding specifics. “Absolute zero” has similar problems; I get an image (very cold, stuff I was taught in thermodynamics, maybe some icicles) but what does that have to do with your poem? Don’t just write “absolute zero” because it’s a non-trite thing which conjures up an image. Consider your words carefully, try to make them particular to the poem at hand, if that makes sense.
Think that’s it for now. Did enjoy the read.
Gary
Not great as it stands, in need of editing (half, at least, should go). It feels like the initial impulse for the poem gave way around S2, which reads as prose to me. But… I do like your writing. You don’t use that much trite phrasing, to my ear. So yeah, keep at it (I recon you don’t need me telling you that
). Example of things I like: roosters slaying the morning away, “Wind arcs the sky and shatters death” (sounds better that way).I’d nix the gerunds as your second grouping of rhymes in S1, they can sound annoying in excess (also, not too long ago someone gave me the same advice, so, passing it along).
Some image notes. Words like “city” do a lot of work on their own without the writer providing input: I instantly picture Midtown Manhattan skyscrapers on a summer day. You need to make this particular incarnation of “city” unique to me by adding specifics. “Absolute zero” has similar problems; I get an image (very cold, stuff I was taught in thermodynamics, maybe some icicles) but what does that have to do with your poem? Don’t just write “absolute zero” because it’s a non-trite thing which conjures up an image. Consider your words carefully, try to make them particular to the poem at hand, if that makes sense.
Think that’s it for now. Did enjoy the read.
Gary