04-24-2013, 12:47 AM
I think it's a beautiful title for a poem with this subject. And I like the what you want to convey. But I found the piece to be a bit awkward and wordy in some places.
In Stanza 1, I'm not keen on the repeating of "no longer". It doesn't have much impact on me.
I like the image in S2 (more of those, please), but the last sentence was too wordy for me.
I don't understand why you broke the line in S3 L1.
S5 L1-2 are cliche.
Overall, I think the poem has a lot of potential and you have some great ideas
In Stanza 1, I'm not keen on the repeating of "no longer". It doesn't have much impact on me.
I like the image in S2 (more of those, please), but the last sentence was too wordy for me.
I don't understand why you broke the line in S3 L1.
S5 L1-2 are cliche.
Overall, I think the poem has a lot of potential and you have some great ideas