04-23-2013, 10:05 AM
Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death Very strong line, matching vowel sounds of melts and death work well together
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone. Imagery is apparent and interesting
Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity You use an article in this line (it) but you don't use "The" or "An" in the previous line. I think you should stick with using an article in both or in neither, to maintain the sound of each line.
branded it savage and pulled a trigger. You may want to change "a" to "the"
Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot. Good allusion, in line with the poem's theme. Also, good end sound in cot, and good match in Hemingway and Heaven for the vowel sounds.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off? It seems like the speaker's voice changes here. I'm unsure of whether this was deliberate on your part, but it's what I can tell from reading it a few times.
Overall, this is a good poem. My least favorite lines are the last two, and my favorite lines are the first two.
the humble lion melts into his death Very strong line, matching vowel sounds of melts and death work well together
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone. Imagery is apparent and interesting
Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity You use an article in this line (it) but you don't use "The" or "An" in the previous line. I think you should stick with using an article in both or in neither, to maintain the sound of each line.
branded it savage and pulled a trigger. You may want to change "a" to "the"
Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot. Good allusion, in line with the poem's theme. Also, good end sound in cot, and good match in Hemingway and Heaven for the vowel sounds.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off? It seems like the speaker's voice changes here. I'm unsure of whether this was deliberate on your part, but it's what I can tell from reading it a few times.
Overall, this is a good poem. My least favorite lines are the last two, and my favorite lines are the first two.