04-22-2013, 06:29 AM
I really liked this. The images you put forth are the kind I like to use and read. I'm not sure if I like the tempo change starting in the third stanza though. I do believe you need one, but maybe try changing the structure of the lines a bit. The fourth stanza is fine. I'll have my critique below.
A lighthouse on the western cliff.
There it stood. Unmoving.
And still stands. Unmoving.
Breaking the crest of each wave. I like "There it stood, unmoving/And still stands, unmoving;/Breaking the crest of each wave." It's just that I feel that the periods are a bit much of a pause.
Hallowed by sailors,
Hollowed by times.
Its windows darkened,
Echoing the crash of each wave. I was once told by an english teacher that you have to be careful using "the" in your poem, because it can take away from the poem rather than add to it. So I'd suggest "Echoing crashes of each wave". Follows the meter a bit better too.
Every direction, ships warmed "In every direction ships are warmed"
By reflections of their own lamps. <--Again, I think a comma is better than a period
Emptied panes cobwebbed in cracks, I like the imagery, but this line is a bit of a tongue twister. I'm not sure how to fix it, but maybe you can find a way.
Swallowing the colors of each wave. "Swallowing the dull colors of each wave."
New waves lick old stones
Encrusted in salt and sand.
Stifled cries, extinguished flames.
Waiting for another keeper.
A lighthouse on the western cliff.
There it stood. Unmoving.
And still stands. Unmoving.
Breaking the crest of each wave. I like "There it stood, unmoving/And still stands, unmoving;/Breaking the crest of each wave." It's just that I feel that the periods are a bit much of a pause.
Hallowed by sailors,
Hollowed by times.
Its windows darkened,
Echoing the crash of each wave. I was once told by an english teacher that you have to be careful using "the" in your poem, because it can take away from the poem rather than add to it. So I'd suggest "Echoing crashes of each wave". Follows the meter a bit better too.
Every direction, ships warmed "In every direction ships are warmed"
By reflections of their own lamps. <--Again, I think a comma is better than a period
Emptied panes cobwebbed in cracks, I like the imagery, but this line is a bit of a tongue twister. I'm not sure how to fix it, but maybe you can find a way.
Swallowing the colors of each wave. "Swallowing the dull colors of each wave."
New waves lick old stones
Encrusted in salt and sand.
Stifled cries, extinguished flames.
Waiting for another keeper.