04-19-2013, 07:31 AM
I liked the whole sea/state of mind comparison 
But to me, the last to stanzas threw me a bit. There's something about "running with the trees", that doesn't seem right, since trees are rooted to the ground. "Running with the sun" makes more sense, as the sun moves across the sky. Maybe "running with the sun, through the trees" or something better And the last line in the sixth stanza seemed somehow weak. Maybe it's because you needed it to rhyme, I dunno. Just scribbling down my initial thoughts Happy writing
But to me, the last to stanzas threw me a bit. There's something about "running with the trees", that doesn't seem right, since trees are rooted to the ground. "Running with the sun" makes more sense, as the sun moves across the sky. Maybe "running with the sun, through the trees" or something better And the last line in the sixth stanza seemed somehow weak. Maybe it's because you needed it to rhyme, I dunno. Just scribbling down my initial thoughts Happy writing