04-16-2013, 09:02 AM
Hi there,
I think the poem has good potential, and I like what you want to convey.
L1-L3: Had a good flow, but then L4 threw me a bit off the flow. It seems a bit clumsy. The flow is kind of on and off, throughout.
L3: Should be 'it's'. Generally, I think the poem would benefit with some full stops here and there.
L7: Maybe a 'you' after 'love'. For better cohesiveness with the next line.
L8: Maybe a 'have' before 'had'.
L11: "you need to be strong" to me, sounded more like the person didn't leave. But then does so in the next line.
I think it could also benefit with some really strong images.
Some of your rhymes I enjoyed a lot
I hope I'm not sounding too critical. I really think this poem has potential And please take my comments with a grain of salt, as I'm only a novice poet and critic, so other people might have other opinions
Thanks for the read
I think the poem has good potential, and I like what you want to convey.
L1-L3: Had a good flow, but then L4 threw me a bit off the flow. It seems a bit clumsy. The flow is kind of on and off, throughout.
L3: Should be 'it's'. Generally, I think the poem would benefit with some full stops here and there.
L7: Maybe a 'you' after 'love'. For better cohesiveness with the next line.
L8: Maybe a 'have' before 'had'.
L11: "you need to be strong" to me, sounded more like the person didn't leave. But then does so in the next line.
I think it could also benefit with some really strong images.
Some of your rhymes I enjoyed a lot
I hope I'm not sounding too critical. I really think this poem has potential
And please take my comments with a grain of salt, as I'm only a novice poet and critic, so other people might have other opinions Thanks for the read