04-16-2013, 07:47 AM
The short couplets with the off-rhymes makes it read like light verse which really isn't the intention. "psychosis . . . final overdoses" doesn't work at all as "overdose" would need to be singular (final and all) but you pluralized it for rhyme. "try" is a weak word that grows weaker by being repeated so close. "stay the course" is cliche and, to be fair, doesn't really add anything at all. The stoicism of "stay the course" certainly becomes a parody when you reach "dismal wailing". "Now my . . . breached" is grammatically incorrect as you can't just join 2 complete sentences with a comma.
milo
milo