04-15-2013, 05:36 AM
Yikes. Thesaurus much?
If you're bringing this to a critical audience, that implies you might want to do something with it. I'd suggest toning down the language a little bit so that your audience can appreciate it. I've bolded words most people would probably have to look up.
[quote='Crepuscule' pid='120667' dateline='1364333280']
Edit 1.5.1
Chiromancy
I woke and lay and watched
the nascent sun seeping,
diluting the screen of dark.
Forms emerging --
your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.
I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
fate and, below the rest,
concealed by beads and
woven thread:
bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.
You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.
You may also want to expand on this more. Go into the minds of your characters more. Use more abstract imagery. This scene, of waking up the morning after next to a love/sex interest, has been done to death through literature. That doesn't mean your subject doesn't work, it just means you've got to spin it a certain way. Make it longer. Focus less on the environment, more on the images and associations.
If you're bringing this to a critical audience, that implies you might want to do something with it. I'd suggest toning down the language a little bit so that your audience can appreciate it. I've bolded words most people would probably have to look up.
[quote='Crepuscule' pid='120667' dateline='1364333280']
Edit 1.5.1
Chiromancy
I woke and lay and watched
the nascent sun seeping,
diluting the screen of dark.
Forms emerging --
your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.
I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
fate and, below the rest,
concealed by beads and
woven thread:
bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.
You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.
You may also want to expand on this more. Go into the minds of your characters more. Use more abstract imagery. This scene, of waking up the morning after next to a love/sex interest, has been done to death through literature. That doesn't mean your subject doesn't work, it just means you've got to spin it a certain way. Make it longer. Focus less on the environment, more on the images and associations.