04-14-2013, 06:20 PM
If you're still in secondary school, the very fact that you're writing poetry is great, I implore you to persevere through self doubt and criticism as you already have a head start in this little game.
Excluding the generalizations and cliches, the poem itself is agreeable enough; we all know what you're talking about and have felt it before. What you need to ask yourself is, why would anyone want to read something that simply replicates common angsty sentiments? A solid poem generally challenges its reader's perspectives, or helps them see something in a new light even if they've seen it a hundred times before. From my own experience, two poems that achieve this are Frank O'Hara's illustration of love in his poem 'Animals' and Anne Sexton's of childhood in 'Young' (check em out for sure).
The best advice I can give you is to keep reading and writing poetry. It is the ONLY way you will improve. In time, your grasp on language will increase and your work will develop a more consistent rhythm and unique language. Your poem has bones but they are frail at best, to open with 'I hate this world we live in' does not leave a lot of room for ambiguity or excitement for the remainder of the text. Think as to whether you really do hate this world, or if you only hate certain aspects of it? Perhaps there are some aspects of this world you love? Perhaps include them as well and spin us around a bit...these are not objective truths, I'm only trying to get you thinking and help you asses all options. Sorry if I've gone overboard, thanks for sharing.
Excluding the generalizations and cliches, the poem itself is agreeable enough; we all know what you're talking about and have felt it before. What you need to ask yourself is, why would anyone want to read something that simply replicates common angsty sentiments? A solid poem generally challenges its reader's perspectives, or helps them see something in a new light even if they've seen it a hundred times before. From my own experience, two poems that achieve this are Frank O'Hara's illustration of love in his poem 'Animals' and Anne Sexton's of childhood in 'Young' (check em out for sure).
The best advice I can give you is to keep reading and writing poetry. It is the ONLY way you will improve. In time, your grasp on language will increase and your work will develop a more consistent rhythm and unique language. Your poem has bones but they are frail at best, to open with 'I hate this world we live in' does not leave a lot of room for ambiguity or excitement for the remainder of the text. Think as to whether you really do hate this world, or if you only hate certain aspects of it? Perhaps there are some aspects of this world you love? Perhaps include them as well and spin us around a bit...these are not objective truths, I'm only trying to get you thinking and help you asses all options. Sorry if I've gone overboard, thanks for sharing.