04-13-2013, 04:19 PM
I really like it, except for
"A seahorse trapped in murky
kelp cries for help, choking bubbles
of last breaths."
This just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem, it is differently dark. If you keep this bit, you may want to change it slightly to
"A seahorse trapped in murky kelp
cries for help, choking bubbles" - the way kelp and help rhyme so closely in the same line makes that verse stand out more.
But overall, a wonderful painting with words, very vivid and full of memories.
"A seahorse trapped in murky
kelp cries for help, choking bubbles
of last breaths."
This just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem, it is differently dark. If you keep this bit, you may want to change it slightly to
"A seahorse trapped in murky kelp
cries for help, choking bubbles" - the way kelp and help rhyme so closely in the same line makes that verse stand out more.
But overall, a wonderful painting with words, very vivid and full of memories.