Falling Apart

[billy]

hi tlk

from the 1st verse i get a feel of forced rhyme. i knew own would appear. and the same with fine in the 2nd. the poems 1st line is weak and pretty cliche. it
s also a little dull. it tells us instead of shows us. an example;
her sorrow is a blunt knife in a surgeon's hand.
not the best of examples but it has an image for the reader to see.
the poem in its entirety needs to be lifted up from where it is. remove all the cliche all the verbiage and add the pictures. add the tensions show the emotions instead of telling us your heart is imploding.



i have tumbleweeds in head
they cut my tits off
and stole the gentle beats beneath.


start off with anything, make it up make it original use the biggest lies you can

she was from the planet fuck you
and rode my man like a bronco busting bitch

tell the truth if there is some.

i drew pictures of her
blooded axes embedded in her head.

i spat in her cream soda
i wanted to shit on her head.

i'm really sorry for the bad nasty words they're mine, you find the words that you own be wild ramp it out then edit it.

She tells me she's sorry,
That it all happened unknown.
That they tumbled into love,
No fault of their own.

But I can still remember
His lips brushing mine,
The calming lilt of his voice,
Back when we were both fine.
Then it crumbled away,
A boy moving on,
A girl left with no confidence,
Wondering what she did wrong.

As I sink into myself,
Her heart is wrapped around his,
While I'm a speck in the sky,
Wondering where oblivion is.
She says our friendship will last,
That it will all be the same,
But my heart begins to implode,
I know it will not be as they claim.

Questions run through my head,
Was I not worth his time?
Was I not pretty enough?
Is her love better than mine?
Is it selfish of me,
To not want to share my firsts?
First kids, first heartbreak, first love,
What's worse?

I'm the one being left,
With the ache in her heart,
While they're falling in love,
I'm falling apart.