Chiromancy

[tectak]

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.


Hi crep,
a nice edit. To swap fungible terms with milo, there is now a lot more right than wrong...in fact, it has buffed up nicely. I would quite imploringly ask that you drop the 19th century habit of capitalising every line.It was never a good idea and has been pushed to extinction in the last 50 years. It serves no purpose and can be confusing. As you will know, I like meter, rhythm, rhyme and form in poetry...but have to make do with crumbs these days...as here. I am tired of hearing myself say sayi "Please do not think you have written a poem if all you have done is break text into random line-outs"
You have written:
You woke AND smiled AND
I smiled back.

Why and-and? Why the line break? What has it added to the piece?
As there is no attempt at rhyme or meter you are unconstrained:

You woke and smiled;
I smiled back

So yes to the concept, the gestalts, the cameos, perhaps the imagery...but sadly, I cannot get poetry out of it.
Does anyone care? Probably not
Best,
tectak












Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.