04-10-2013, 08:29 PM
I love the idea and concept you have and how it works in a full circle, but indeed there are a few things I'd tweak.
The first stanza's enjambment doesn't work for me - I'm not sure if it's the break in the flow or the lack of punctation, but it doesn't quite work.
Second stanza is good, but what is gettting at me is 'the home you never had'. It would be better as they, you're changing points of view.
I'd also perhaps consider changing 'back where it began' to 'in a multi-national chain' to strengthen that circle you've been in.
These are only things I'd personally adjust though
The first stanza's enjambment doesn't work for me - I'm not sure if it's the break in the flow or the lack of punctation, but it doesn't quite work.
Second stanza is good, but what is gettting at me is 'the home you never had'. It would be better as they, you're changing points of view.
I'd also perhaps consider changing 'back where it began' to 'in a multi-national chain' to strengthen that circle you've been in.
These are only things I'd personally adjust though
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)