04-10-2013, 05:02 AM
I'm with Mikey; the first five lines are a bit too narrative, but it changes gear at line 6. Making line 6 the opener lifts the dynamic and gets you straight into something more visual and accessible.
It might be interesting to make it a little punchier too? Maybe cut some of the pronouns, e.g.:
Dunno, just a thought. Spinning out from the current end into picking up the original "Do you have any clue what you do to others?" riff, particularly from the final "... start to lose it." could get really powerful - you can then demonstrate the how/why of losing it.
There are some good strong images in there - the shards, broken glass, swallowing the past/emotion; a little tightening up, cut some words, leave space for the impressions to blossom on their own, and it could really open out.
It might be interesting to make it a little punchier too? Maybe cut some of the pronouns, e.g.:
Quote:When the scenes play like shards of glass;
I am broken into pieces.
Can't remember how it looked
when it first began
can't ever put it back
together.
Dunno, just a thought. Spinning out from the current end into picking up the original "Do you have any clue what you do to others?" riff, particularly from the final "... start to lose it." could get really powerful - you can then demonstrate the how/why of losing it.
There are some good strong images in there - the shards, broken glass, swallowing the past/emotion; a little tightening up, cut some words, leave space for the impressions to blossom on their own, and it could really open out.