Did It Hurt You? (revised)

[tectak]

any comments and suggestions more than welcome.

hi heart,
strangely, I feel empathetic with this one. You rarely present a clear target to shoot at and you have not done so here. A third read only gave me that same old feeling that haunts me...why are we writing in such short lines? This is a mournful piece ( or bemournful as a sergism) and the tight reins gallop the beast in an undignified way. Are you wanting to rant this one or psalm it? For me, it is a slow lament. I could see the first three lines, a sentence, on one line. The next two lines, a sentence, on one line....and so on, throughout the piece. If rhythm is suspended for no real gain then let the reader make the breaks. To permit this you may have to accept that you are writing prose...nothing wrong with that but then you have to breathe the piece rather than just write it. A line by line under these circumstances is pointless...moreso because I can feel the emotion in the context as written. As I said, empathetic and so culpably as wrong as you may be
Best,
tectak

I was just a child,
what were you thinking,
dying , just like that?
Who would I have to blame for my failures,
my bad decisions?

I’m grown up now, may I still use you to
ease the guilt of my misguided behavior.
I have a kid of my own, can I still blame you for
the unhappiness in my life?

You were not the perfect Mom.
Did you give much thought to me when you were sick?
You did not have the courtesy to get well.
You left me in the care of that man who did his best,
sadly lacking the skills to teach life to a young girl.

There was Grandmamma, who taught me well that
the touch of a boy would bring haji.
Shame, on the family, and she would have to care for it.

Though I fought mightily,
I bled when he ran his hand up my dress.
I feared I would need to kill myself.
Finally, I found no shame would be
delivered to us this time.

He took you to your homeland in an urn.
I have no place to mourn.
That is your fault too.
Could you not leave me your remains?

Surely you are to blame for any pain
that I may suffer.
Here is your elegy.
I need someone to blame.