04-07-2013, 09:55 AM
hi elizabeth
i think it's more of a senryu, because of destiny which is more a concept than an image
basho may have wrote
to her dinner
or
to my bed
but i see you wish to be more serious.
the crimson snow i presume represent blood in winter. so it's a battles aftermath?
the first two lines create a good image. no need really to tell us what you're trying to show, it may taint our own perceptions of the piece.
great effort
i think it's more of a senryu, because of destiny which is more a concept than an image
basho may have wrote
to her dinner
or
to my bed
but i see you wish to be more serious.
the crimson snow i presume represent blood in winter. so it's a battles aftermath?
the first two lines create a good image. no need really to tell us what you're trying to show, it may taint our own perceptions of the piece.
great effort
(04-06-2013, 11:41 AM)ElizabethLestrad Wrote: "Destiny"
By: Elizabeth Lestrad (as Yukiko Kazumi)
A lone warrior treads
softly over crimson snow
to her destiny.
There's three things I'm trying to portray here:
1. Sadness on the part of the author/subject
2. When it takes place, and what's going on around her.
3. A warrior's courage in the face of death.
I don't claim to be a poet, but am seeking critiques to see if I meet my own objectives within the Haiku and to seek suggestions/advice on translating it into a proper 5-7-5 Japanese haiku in the traditional style.