04-04-2013, 05:07 PM
Hi,
I can feel the longing and missing in your words, I enjoyed reading it, it is very realistic. I have a question though, why suddenly the object of your poem changes from third person (she) to second person (you)?
I also have a doubt in the 2nd stanza.
She's a torch in my hand - after this metaphor here, are you trying to say that the smell of a torch in your hand turns you on?
Her smell turns me on (or may be you don't want any connection between these two lines then putting a full stop at the right place will do the job)
cheers
I can feel the longing and missing in your words, I enjoyed reading it, it is very realistic. I have a question though, why suddenly the object of your poem changes from third person (she) to second person (you)?
I also have a doubt in the 2nd stanza.
She's a torch in my hand - after this metaphor here, are you trying to say that the smell of a torch in your hand turns you on?
Her smell turns me on (or may be you don't want any connection between these two lines then putting a full stop at the right place will do the job)
cheers
~Neena