04-02-2013, 07:41 AM
I like the original and UnicornRainbowCake's suggested edit 
My first thoughts on the original were similar to URC's (hope it's OK to turn you into a TLA?) - it felt a little bit bald and "out there", lacking some of the mystery or mysticism one might expect given both title and subject.
However, on re-reading repeatedly, and flicking between the two, the original has taken on the tone of definitive statement: this is what the echoes are to me, I claim it, I own it, you can't take it away. Whereas removing the explicit references as UCR has done imbues more of the contemplative mysticism I was subconsciously expecting. Delineated vs. gentle soft focus.
So I guess it depends on what you were seeking to convey. Either way I'd love to read a companion piece that came at the essence of an 'echo' in a more abstract way. For me this piece conveys strength and conviction despite, or even because of, the ephemeral; it would be interesting to try to capture the essence of the more amorphous numinous other that it hints at. A bit like book ends, or faces on a coin.
A nice poem to read before heading off to bed, too, by happy circumstance!
My first thoughts on the original were similar to URC's (hope it's OK to turn you into a TLA?) - it felt a little bit bald and "out there", lacking some of the mystery or mysticism one might expect given both title and subject.
However, on re-reading repeatedly, and flicking between the two, the original has taken on the tone of definitive statement: this is what the echoes are to me, I claim it, I own it, you can't take it away. Whereas removing the explicit references as UCR has done imbues more of the contemplative mysticism I was subconsciously expecting. Delineated vs. gentle soft focus.
So I guess it depends on what you were seeking to convey. Either way I'd love to read a companion piece that came at the essence of an 'echo' in a more abstract way. For me this piece conveys strength and conviction despite, or even because of, the ephemeral; it would be interesting to try to capture the essence of the more amorphous numinous other that it hints at. A bit like book ends, or faces on a coin.
A nice poem to read before heading off to bed, too, by happy circumstance!