03-31-2013, 04:53 PM
Not bad for a first poem. A bit abstract, and a little generous with the words, try to be pointed and concise. A little effort is required when it comes to writing a poem.
If your going to punctuate the poem at all you should use proper grammar.
You shouldn't introduce the poem by saying you're just going to write whatever pops in your head, it suggests I that shouldn't even bother taking the time to write it down and critique it, and after you mentioned that you thought it may end up full of cliches I had to fight myself to actually read it, and not just skim through the cliches.
Keep digging, take some time, write several drafts, crunch your lines. Good luck!
If your going to punctuate the poem at all you should use proper grammar.
You shouldn't introduce the poem by saying you're just going to write whatever pops in your head, it suggests I that shouldn't even bother taking the time to write it down and critique it, and after you mentioned that you thought it may end up full of cliches I had to fight myself to actually read it, and not just skim through the cliches.
Keep digging, take some time, write several drafts, crunch your lines. Good luck!