03-31-2013, 10:08 AM
eyes being the mirros of the soul is cliche. while such phrases read well enough they don't feel original, (like they're your words)
instead of mirror use another word or phrase (not reflection, or windows
)
try to keep it real, do you know anyone unshrouded with doubts, say it as it is,
we're all shrouded with doubt, even those who believe god, doubt he exists at times. (doubting thomas, was given empirical proof by god himself after the ressurection )
if possible stick to what seems to be someone's truth. we were not cherubs or angels in disguise. we we're his children made in his image.
the love poem lacks the feeling of love till the last verse if it's about love make it about love, if it's about creation make it about creation.
words like heart and love should be used sparingly or else they overpower a poem. look out for repetition that doesn't work.
sorry for giving a large piece of feedback in novice.
you have a starting point for a poem, just be brave on the edit and see what you can do
instead of mirror use another word or phrase (not reflection, or windows
) try to keep it real, do you know anyone unshrouded with doubts, say it as it is,
we're all shrouded with doubt, even those who believe god, doubt he exists at times. (doubting thomas, was given empirical proof by god himself after the ressurection )
if possible stick to what seems to be someone's truth. we were not cherubs or angels in disguise. we we're his children made in his image.
the love poem lacks the feeling of love till the last verse if it's about love make it about love, if it's about creation make it about creation.
words like heart and love should be used sparingly or else they overpower a poem. look out for repetition that doesn't work.
sorry for giving a large piece of feedback in novice.
you have a starting point for a poem, just be brave on the edit and see what you can do
(03-21-2013, 06:53 PM)neena2504 Wrote: When He created you
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind;
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.