Chrysanthemums

[milo]

There is so much here that is very good.

You once presented me
with a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

I had been angered by your decision
to pick such a cheap and common flower -
though pleasant at first,
they lost their petals quickly,
the young buds surrounded
by a tight net of waxy leaves -
like a shield
from the rich and honest soil
that had once settled underneath.

I had decided, that evening, to leave you.

Right up to here is excellent! The details are spot on and the metaphor translates effortlessly and smoothly.

Our soil, our foundation, was dry with bitterness
and issues held on to for far too long.
Waxy leaves wound around our minds
shading it from the effervescent love
that came from the young buds of our hearts.
But I was the chrysanthemum -
swayed in the winds of passion,
the petals of my thoughts blew away
leaving an ever-growing weed
in the place of my once vividly coloured love.

This second stanza loses everything that made the first great. We are your readers, we are not stupid, we appreciated you trusting us with your metaphor in the first stanza, but now you explain it anyway!!

You switch to explaining the concrete with the abstract which is the exact opposite of what you want in poetry.

Little had I known that she
was lingering amongst our shared vines.
Her petals would not fade.
She is the symbol of eternal love,
not young lust.

You'll soon present her
with a bouquet of roses.


"lingering" might be too "poetic" IYKWIM.
"symbol of our eternal love" and "young lust" are both cliches and poem killing ones at that (sorry)

Thank you for sharing, there is much strength and truth here.
Good luck in your revisions.

milo