03-30-2013, 10:30 AM
Hi milo,
I really appreciate you taking the time, thanks a bunch
Where the old pendulum swing I thought there was an error here. I considered writing "Where the old pendulums swing". Would that work properly?
And the windblown church bells ring
In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. By abstract, do you then mean that the word "coloured" is too.. personalizing?
In the cottage from the woods "From" sounds a bit weird, yes. I just thought that if I wrote "In the cottage in the woods", the extra "in" would maybe be too repetitious?
By the lakes or the creeks I don't know if I understand why I can't use "or" here?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. I see your point, but "No sound weeps" is a very crucial statement, in the poem, so I don't fully know how to work around that.
No tearing, nor scratching I will. But why not "nor"?
No wearing, nor latching Same.
All things hatching. You're right. It needs something more specific.
In the place, where dark is darker This bit needs a lot of work. Not sure what to do right now, but I'll try and experiment
And the bright, - is so much brighter Same
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!
Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. What do you mean by abandoning all detail? I feel like this section sums up the first verses/stanzas.
And so; Where the old pendulum swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. Could it work to replace "truly" with another word?
I look forward to try and improve this poem
I really appreciate you taking the time, thanks a bunch
Where the old pendulum swing I thought there was an error here. I considered writing "Where the old pendulums swing". Would that work properly?
And the windblown church bells ring
In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. By abstract, do you then mean that the word "coloured" is too.. personalizing?
In the cottage from the woods "From" sounds a bit weird, yes. I just thought that if I wrote "In the cottage in the woods", the extra "in" would maybe be too repetitious?
By the lakes or the creeks I don't know if I understand why I can't use "or" here?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. I see your point, but "No sound weeps" is a very crucial statement, in the poem, so I don't fully know how to work around that.
No tearing, nor scratching I will. But why not "nor"?
No wearing, nor latching Same.
All things hatching. You're right. It needs something more specific.
In the place, where dark is darker This bit needs a lot of work. Not sure what to do right now, but I'll try and experiment
And the bright, - is so much brighter Same
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!
Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. What do you mean by abandoning all detail? I feel like this section sums up the first verses/stanzas.
And so; Where the old pendulum swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. Could it work to replace "truly" with another word?
I look forward to try and improve this poem