03-28-2013, 04:47 PM
(03-28-2013, 03:38 PM)sophieatezombie Wrote: Today I'm remembering. Smaller, less memorable moments. While we were busy making memories, the music we heard at those moments are now affiliated with the raging heartache I feel when I hear those same songs. It's those same songs that used to be joyful tunes with upbeat melodies and moving lyrics that now all sound like my tears at night when I await the sound of your bass that never sounds the same in any other soul. Those songs that sting my chest when I hear them on the radio.The bolded part is what I like. Tears at night makes me think of rain at night. It's a pretty sound when rain falls on soft grass and tin roofs; its pretty when the moon primps herself in rippling ponds. And the connection of music, memories, emotions and tears could be brought together with an image of rain, maybe.
The rest is prose more than poetry. If you write it again, try to keep the lines shorter. Maybe 6 to 8 words (10 syllables). Add more word pictures, because they are more effective for the reader; and writing them will make you think a lot harder about what you're saying and why you're saying it.
I know I might sound snarky and prickish. Sorry. I'm really not hating on your work. I do think you could take this concept and express it well.
Mikey.[/b]