03-28-2013, 12:16 PM
Hey Tommy, I think you've gotten some good suggestions here. Like someone else mentioned I had a bit of trouble here :
In a fragrant summer breeze,
An exuberant bouquet
Of twirling skirts and smiling red lips
Which he bestows upon his lover.
But my issue is a bit different, perhaps I'm reading this wrong but to me it sounds like you're saying HE has the smiling red lips which HE bestows upon his lover. I'm not sure here but I think you're trying to say she has the smiling red lips? That would make more sense to me as the phrase on it's own "smiling red lips" seems to describe a more feminine being. I think that in order to be clear about that the sentence "which he bestows upon his lover" would have to be tweaked a bit. Unless of course it is the man of whom you are speaking.
I really like your poem, it reminds me of this couple I once saw. They were both latino and dancing to spanish music, it was beautiful, as is your poem
In a fragrant summer breeze,
An exuberant bouquet
Of twirling skirts and smiling red lips
Which he bestows upon his lover.
But my issue is a bit different, perhaps I'm reading this wrong but to me it sounds like you're saying HE has the smiling red lips which HE bestows upon his lover. I'm not sure here but I think you're trying to say she has the smiling red lips? That would make more sense to me as the phrase on it's own "smiling red lips" seems to describe a more feminine being. I think that in order to be clear about that the sentence "which he bestows upon his lover" would have to be tweaked a bit. Unless of course it is the man of whom you are speaking.
I really like your poem, it reminds me of this couple I once saw. They were both latino and dancing to spanish music, it was beautiful, as is your poem