03-28-2013, 05:34 AM
Beautiful work. I did not read the original and revision 1 in depth, but read enough to judge that the work in revision 2 was improvement 
The first stanza is my favorite. It has very strong imagery that roped me in immediately. The only thing I really disliked was the use of the word "wake-dreams". Its a cool word, but I found that it was rhythmically awkward at the end of that stanza. But, I really liked the way you ended the poem. Overall, this piece reached me and I felt a true sense of understanding of what it is about. I think stanzas 4 and 6 were not as strong as the others, but overall, a job well done!
The first stanza is my favorite. It has very strong imagery that roped me in immediately. The only thing I really disliked was the use of the word "wake-dreams". Its a cool word, but I found that it was rhythmically awkward at the end of that stanza. But, I really liked the way you ended the poem. Overall, this piece reached me and I felt a true sense of understanding of what it is about. I think stanzas 4 and 6 were not as strong as the others, but overall, a job well done!