Chiromancy

[Crepuscule]

there is some here that is quite good, and some that is not.

I woke and lay and watched

fine so far

The nascent blushing sun

this is just awful. It is blushingly faux-poetic

Penetrate the room.

yah, sex sells, we get it

Nebulous forms emerging,

once again - nebulous forms? - yuck

Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

while this is quite good


I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

much of this is very good. I am not so hot on "Eclipsed" or "beneath the rest" but the rest is good


You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

Vulnerable and exposed is a little hamfisted but it would probably pass through

Overall, not a bad first draft, you still have some work to do. Focus on the details, that is what makes it fun

good luck

milo

Thanks, milo.

I'm trying too hard to set the scene in the first stanza. I'll rework some of it and get rid of the pretentiousness.

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shamefully, i had to google the title

are comma's needed when you use two and in succession as you have twice? in places, i'd like more, at present i see you watching her in the dawn's sun, possibly reading her palm, and she wakes. she's vulnerable, i know this because you tell me so but why? what makes this reading or morning special?

It is there in the poem, but maybe too subtle. I think you almost got it (it's definitely not about palmistry):

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized. not sure the word choice here works, or is there an old wound we don't know of?
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

Yes... some of the lines are more recent than others ("still-pink"... very recent). Hence the "new-born" and "vulnerable" smile. The "rascettes" are the lines across your wrist, and the narrator has discovered what's hidden under those bracelets. The need for explanation, I guess, indicates failure.

Originally I had "carved" instead of "etched" but thought it too direct. Maybe it would be better.

I don't think there is a conflict of tense... it should all be past tense (past progressive in places)