Echo

[allykat727]

I loved this. It was a really cool write. I haven't read Bernstein (heard of him). I should probably correct that. The line lengths and breaks remind me of early Mark Strand. The only suggestions I have might go against your assignment because of my unfamiliarity with Bernstein, but as your poem I'd consider the following cuts (see below):

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss.
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

Just thoughts. This is one of the better things I've read in awhile.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the response Todd I was unsure about the "infinite" line, and I think I do like it better without. Thanks!

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Hi allykat727, I like the repetition it works well, have to agree with above though there really isn't much to crit here as it is a very strong interesting piece, I think Todds suggestions would work well thanks for the read

saeity.

So glad you liked it! Thank you