03-25-2013, 08:42 PM
(03-25-2013, 05:54 AM)Tommy Wrote: I don't know, I think I liked it better before the edit. I read it as I've had my day in the sun and can go home happy juxtaposed with I've had a good life and now I can die happy. I just don't think that stanza's 3 & 4 were as brightly lit as when we were on the beach. It's much harder to condense a lifetime into a few lines of prose, than to condense a sunny day. Your edit seems to me that you've abandoned your central idea. A good day/night & a good life/death. That's too good an idea to abandon.Thank you very much, I always consider and respect every comment. If this were intended to be a lifetime-in-a-nutshell poem, your ideas would be so very valid. But my intent was to create a gestalt image of earth/woman at dusk/death...one snapshot, one single analogy, not an ode to life well spent.
But, your comment has given me inspiration to take the first draft and create something like you envisioned, this time with deliberateness. Thank you so much for that.