03-25-2013, 05:54 AM
I don't know, I think I liked it better before the edit. I read it as I've had my day in the sun and can go home happy juxtaposed with I've had a good life and now I can die happy. I just don't think that stanza's 3 & 4 were as brightly lit as when we were on the beach. It's much harder to condense a lifetime into a few lines of prose, than to condense a sunny day. Your edit seems to me that you've abandoned your central idea. A good day/night & a good life/death. That's too good an idea to abandon.