Life, My Life

[milo]

i liked it. i dont know if i can give and critiqes though haha

Thanks alot much appreciated

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just messing around with words and came up with this

We are supposed to be one not two,
You’re supposed to call me babe and I’m supposed to call you boo.
But we know it’s not working,
We are not even regularly talking.
Yet were supposed to be a “couple”,
When I see you my heart is supposed to be racing double.
You are supposed to capture this heart of mine,
And I’m supposed to captures yours with a matter of time.
But this is fake this was arranged,
They made us go on dates, they even got us engaged.
Our “love” and “marriage” is just strictly business,
You’re supposed to be the actor and I’m supposed to be the actress.

just messing around with words and came up with this

We are but one not two,
You are my babe I am your boo.
But we are not working,
We are not even regular. Talking
yet to be a “couple”,
When I see you my heart is racing double.

I’m captured with a matter of time.
this is fake
They made us dates, they even got us.
Our “love” strictly business,
You are the actor and I am the actress.

Just eliminating the over-repeated "supposed" made it almost readable.
The problem with the original is it really is pretty boring, sounds like some girl just bitching at her husband in the most over used way possible.

Now that I trim I see a couple opportunities, maybe a poem about 2 homeless people trying to keep it together, not really bothered by their indigence or whatever.

I would try to avoid so many pronouns and pretty much every expression you have heard before. A triolet? Maybe . . .

You are my babe, I am your boo
we're captured in our quiet. Hush,
don't tell, we are not one but two
you are my babe, I am your boo.
An actress out of work and you
must act your part to bring the blush.
You are my babe. I am your boo.
We're captured in our quiet hush.

milo