03-22-2013, 02:44 PM
(03-21-2013, 06:53 PM)neena2504 Wrote: When He created youAlso, the first line of each stanza should have a comma at the end.
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul mirrors reflect what's outward from them, so how can they reflect his soul? Maybe 'to' could be 'of', and so his soul is his eyes, as a mirror on the person gazing into them? (as a conscious mirror, they wouldn't reflect the gazer perfectly, but rather in a biased way - so, some people love to look him in the eye, while others are afraid to, because he loves some and detests others) Or try something other than mirror? But not window. Just, no!
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind; Maybe 'and then' could be 'when', (in all stanzas but the last) which would better temporally/casually connect the thought and the thing created.
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.
I like the sentiment in your poem and think it's pretty well executed. It sure would be nice to be adored as the speaker adores the poems subject.

Mikey.


