Diaspora Act

[Todd]

Hi mariamuse,

I think you have a good concept here, but on the whole it feels a bit too distant for me. Too much repetition of common words and ideas make for a muted impact. Some comments below:

There you go again
Doing your diaspora act
Alone and with the others
You add a blue note here

It's the same act
In blackface
Or under the lights
Or in private
You hit the same beats, the same marks

When I consider these two sections, I think a more impactful first line might be:

It's the same act in blackface

From there some of your other lines work (the blue note, the lights, the beats and marks). It's a performance. You can tighten this.

It works on some corners
Plays well to certain crowds
Some audiences take it up as their own

find a way to show us this. It's too distant to have the emotional power you want. It's a clinical observation.

But you shed it when you go home
You won't entertain it from your family
You won't allow your children to play
The role

again more show us the scene. Shed may not fit precisely with blackface.

Time comes to drop the diaspora act
But outside the house, when?
When you're alone? Surrounded by others?
Do you drop it then
Or do you drop it
When you're surrounded by yourself
By yourselves
Cornered
Who in you, the many yous, will finally lay its burden down
Lay your burden down
Is it time yet? Is it safe?

I'd like more imagery here to sell the ending. Again this is a good idea. It just needs to be drawn beyond the surface.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd