03-22-2013, 04:53 AM
The first half of the poem provides quite a good setup to contrast with the latter half, however after "but you shed it when you get home" the poem becomes laboured. The problem is not subject matter, but far too many unnecessary words. The line "you won't entertain it from your family" isn't really needed since much the same thing is said in the next line. "Time comes to drop the act" would suffice, without repeating "diaspora" as we've already read the word not too long ago AND you have it in your title. The questions that follow become tedious. They are not "showing" us what's going on, but "telling" us and pretty much insisting that we get it. Give your audience some credit. I suggest you go through this and work out which bits are the most important to let us know what's going on and which are just about you insisting that the reader get exactly what you're saying without allowing any interpretation on their part.
It could be worse