03-19-2013, 09:36 PM
Hi,
I like it when you mention in your poem a particular, original event or vision that carries dense emotional meaning with it, like "I share myself, you pull away", "the fish jump out to say hello", "the vision deep within the tea", or "the fortune teller in the rain". Unfortunately, the rest seems to constitute a "background", something quite ordinary that's here to give value to a few lines. This is just my feeling, and maybe it would be quite different if you changed the first stanza - yes, as it's the one that sounds the most "general", it's not a very exciting introduction to what follows. Perhaps you could start by removing "but" from the first line : its presence weakens the meaning of "conflicted" in my opinion (the notion of desire in "want" is partly, not entirely opposed to "conflicted", as there is desire in conflict anyway), and the rhythm will be better without it.
Or maybe the three other stanzas don't need an introduction at all ? The power of poetry is that it doesn't have to be explained/commented/justified, after all.
I hope my critique doens't sound harsh, and feel free to thwack my fingers with a ruler if I made English mistakes.
Carile
I like it when you mention in your poem a particular, original event or vision that carries dense emotional meaning with it, like "I share myself, you pull away", "the fish jump out to say hello", "the vision deep within the tea", or "the fortune teller in the rain". Unfortunately, the rest seems to constitute a "background", something quite ordinary that's here to give value to a few lines. This is just my feeling, and maybe it would be quite different if you changed the first stanza - yes, as it's the one that sounds the most "general", it's not a very exciting introduction to what follows. Perhaps you could start by removing "but" from the first line : its presence weakens the meaning of "conflicted" in my opinion (the notion of desire in "want" is partly, not entirely opposed to "conflicted", as there is desire in conflict anyway), and the rhythm will be better without it.
Or maybe the three other stanzas don't need an introduction at all ? The power of poetry is that it doesn't have to be explained/commented/justified, after all.
I hope my critique doens't sound harsh, and feel free to thwack my fingers with a ruler if I made English mistakes.
Carile