03-19-2013, 12:26 PM
Hi Karinane,
Speaking of the edit: this strikes me as a good spoken word piece. If it is meant to be a written stand alone. You will want to pare down the repetition when at all possible. Within the rhythm of speaking, you can get away with these building statements. They help to sell the delivery. As a written piece what works in speaking is less memorable. You Ned more imagery and evocative phrasing.
So, it really depends what you envision for this piece.
Just thoughts,
Todd
Speaking of the edit: this strikes me as a good spoken word piece. If it is meant to be a written stand alone. You will want to pare down the repetition when at all possible. Within the rhythm of speaking, you can get away with these building statements. They help to sell the delivery. As a written piece what works in speaking is less memorable. You Ned more imagery and evocative phrasing.
So, it really depends what you envision for this piece.
Just thoughts,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson