03-19-2013, 04:33 AM
Hi Amy,
This is the scary part of love. The part where you feel control slipping as you're caught up in an emotional torrent. I think you show that well with the falling and ascending at the same time. I very much liked "I sense the cold reality of empty air". While there are a lot of points I could touch on (development of theme, certain word choice, etc), I think the main thing I want to encourage you to consider is to ground more of these emotions in imagery. Line 8 for example would be helped I think by this grounding. There are other places I could point to, but I think you get the idea. The contrasting feelings you build on here are a good basis for a poem.
Good bones to work with,
Todd
This is the scary part of love. The part where you feel control slipping as you're caught up in an emotional torrent. I think you show that well with the falling and ascending at the same time. I very much liked "I sense the cold reality of empty air". While there are a lot of points I could touch on (development of theme, certain word choice, etc), I think the main thing I want to encourage you to consider is to ground more of these emotions in imagery. Line 8 for example would be helped I think by this grounding. There are other places I could point to, but I think you get the idea. The contrasting feelings you build on here are a good basis for a poem.
Good bones to work with,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson