03-18-2013, 05:24 PM
Good edit, your poem is stronger and more precise by far
but one more edit would be perfect...try to eliminate the articles, "the" "and" etc....they are unnecessary and diminish the impact.
Would you consider this kind of edit?
Dazzled by sunlight,
woken by May drizzle, (I HATE woken, but I admit it really is grammatically acceptable...sigh)
spring winds blew softly.
then came autumn,
days went by and memory faded.
Nearest and dearest passed away quickly,
with me, cradled to the deathbed.
No farewell tears,
my funeral was lonely.
but one more edit would be perfect...try to eliminate the articles, "the" "and" etc....they are unnecessary and diminish the impact.
Would you consider this kind of edit?
Dazzled by sunlight,
woken by May drizzle, (I HATE woken, but I admit it really is grammatically acceptable...sigh)
spring winds blew softly.
then came autumn,
days went by and memory faded.
Nearest and dearest passed away quickly,
with me, cradled to the deathbed.
No farewell tears,
my funeral was lonely.