03-18-2013, 04:42 PM
This is definitely modern...conversational, mundane theme, a kind of abstract realism akin to television reality shows. The real challenge in this is to keep the poem warm and breathing, and not like an impersonal script for emotions held at bay.
In my own heart, I find is less than lyrical...the use of contractions, the lack of proper punctuation, brevity, colloquialism. But, i am a die-hard romantic, a traditionalist, and my heart is an emotional but classical sea of traditional themes....almost like a pre-raphaelite painting, were someone to paint my philosophy of poetry, even life itself.
But, I accept that these customs are de rigueur and acquiesce with courtesy. That being said, I do appreciate the contempation of loneliness as theme. The butterfly/mirror effect is good but I would offset these lines to accentuate the effect, and to emphasize the emotional content within the words (which is rather lost as it is)
I offer, with all due respect, a few suggestions.
I've never lived alone,
they say it’s lonely:
cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
(omit this line "these I know" ..it is antithetical to your premise of lack of experience of the condition of aloneness)
Luckily,
I’ve never lived alone.
In my own heart, I find is less than lyrical...the use of contractions, the lack of proper punctuation, brevity, colloquialism. But, i am a die-hard romantic, a traditionalist, and my heart is an emotional but classical sea of traditional themes....almost like a pre-raphaelite painting, were someone to paint my philosophy of poetry, even life itself.
But, I accept that these customs are de rigueur and acquiesce with courtesy. That being said, I do appreciate the contempation of loneliness as theme. The butterfly/mirror effect is good but I would offset these lines to accentuate the effect, and to emphasize the emotional content within the words (which is rather lost as it is)
I offer, with all due respect, a few suggestions.
I've never lived alone,
they say it’s lonely:
cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
(omit this line "these I know" ..it is antithetical to your premise of lack of experience of the condition of aloneness)
Luckily,
I’ve never lived alone.